it was good but I guess it was not so good too ...

Had a garage sale. Made a nice sum of money. (I think, although I was told that I could have gotten more for many of the things that I was selling. In a great irony my garage sale has made enough to pay for the renting of a truck to take the rest of my crap to my next locale. (provided that I do not spend it all on booze and loose women ;P ))

I did not know what I was doing and I am now exhausted. I liked being in a flurry of activity but I guess it was the wrong activites. Getting rid of the stuff was good. Getting money was good. But at this moment, I think the time and energy was more valuable to me. And irretrievable. Perhaps I was better off taking a hatchet to everything and building a smoky bonfire outside while wearing a gas mask (toxic fumes and all that y'know.)

On the advice of others I intended to have a two day sale Saturday and Sunday but I don't want to anymore. And may try to get out of it if I can.

I have no skill for haggling and I would be the first to be eliminated on the Price is Right.

And in truth, I have seller's remorse. It was hard to do this and there are things that I miss:

the stuff that reminds me of the ones I love and the times that we have had together.

the stuff that represents the things I wish I was and the things that I someday want to do.

the things that represent what other people think I am and like that are in fact nothing like the person that I am.

the things that people have given me that they actually want for themselves.

the things that people have discarded through giving them to me which I cannot part with because there are from someone that I love or once loved.

the clothes I got too fat for, the clothes I was always too small for, the clothes that I had hoped to grow into (physically and mentally), the clothes that I have grown out of.

the fabulous shoes that I can't walk in.

the books that have the precious knowledge that I wanted but never got around to.

the things that remind me of important events in my life.

the things that are souvenirs of weddings, travels, parties, and halloweens gone by.

the things that were tokens of affection from a person who loved me. Who I was afraid to believe until after he was gone when I found that I had a drawer full of small strange things that he gave me because he was thinking of me. And by the time I realized this, he no longer wanted anything to do with me.

the stuff that I thought I wanted but never used, because I was trying to be someone that I am not, because there are only so many hours in a day, because one life is not enough to do everything (especially considering that this is inefficient me that we are talking about here.), because frequently I forgot that some things are daydreams better left that way and buying a tennis racket is not sufficient to make me a tennis star, that you only have to play one instrument in the band it is ridiculous to become the lead singer, backup vocalist, rhythm, lead, and bass guitarist who plays keyboards, flute, violin, penny whistle, and drums on the same track *unless you are Prince*, because I forget that having friends who skate really well doesn't mean that by simply buying skates I will become a hockey star.

And I am repeating myself here. My Guy says that I don't prioritize well. Which is true (Though I wish sometimes there were ways to say it that I could more easily dismiss. And I wish it didn't make me feel like a horrible loser to admit to this. After all, they say that obstacles are opportunities, right?) I act when I am stressed and I do things when it occurs to me to do them because in my experience if I don't do it, right then, I will forget and never do take care of it. Like when I remember birthdays the week before and then realize that I forgot to even send a card the week after.

To me it's all important and all important at the same time and that's a problem.

At some point I hope I see all of this differently and I feel emancipated from all this baggage that I have carried around mentally and physically. Because as much as you own your things, it is equally true that they own you whether you take good care of them or neglect them.

And maybe I'll read the books I buy, pick one hobby, buy less crap, have more garage sales, and only keep what I find to be beautiful or useful.

And here I call for investors for my unicorn ranch. Change is not impossible. But it's really hard and with time, it only gets harder.