Thursday, September 15, 2005

What goes through my head, having lost my mind

0. Now that I am on the other side, it's not much to look at. At least not yet.

1. The world keeps turning. Everyone around me is working, studying, struggling, living, and doing their thing. Open a door, lift a rock, jump in a lake, pull the bark off a dead log. All around you, living things from enormous to microscopic, are scrapping out a living. It is the struggle of the biological.

Don't feel bad when you ask yourself what you are going to do with your life. It is a problem to be solved by every thing alive. And when the conditions of your environment keep changing, it ain't easy to come up with an answer. (And consider that sticking to just one answer might not see you through.)

Walk into a room of microbiologists and you'll find them trying to figure out how one microbe or another makes a living. Walk into a room of economists or sociologists and it could be the same question, different organism. Perhaps the pains of our "new economy" have to do with speed at which economic niches are built and destroyed vs. our ability to respond to the pace.

Feeding and Fucking (Reproduction) Let us give them their due. Much of our experience is devoted to the distraction from or the satiation of these drives.

2. As I was driving up to deliver my thesis the song "Tiny Dancer" came on the radio. I was ebullient. I was not speeding, I was flying. I relived that scene from "Almost Famous" on the tour bus as if it had happened to me. Overflowing with peace and groovy free love and the communion with a song about blue jean babies and ballerinas. A false memory. I have not been a Band-Aid on a tour bus in the 70's. The experience of the end in sight was powerfully mood altering.

3. There are finishing touches and tasks to be met here. But I cannot bring myself to tackle them quite yet.

4. My Guy refers to me as Dr. This or Dr. That. And I giggle.

5. My Advisor said that I was my biggest hurdle to defending. My greatest difficulty in defending was convincing myself that I was ready. My Guy nodded. I do not know if this was in agreement or to acknowledge what was said.

6. I love wearing overalls. They are comfy and roomy and have lots of pockets. They have no waist. But using the bathroom is a real pain.

7. My love affair with the movies is rekindled. Every trailer was a delight. "The Constant Gardener" was a hell of a movie. Grim and intense. Rachel Weisz just gets better and better.

8. There was a trailer for the movie, "Rent." There are people who love musicals and people who really, really don't. I suspect that those you who don't, see those of us who do as world class dorks. And those of us who do, look at those of you who don't and worry about the condition of your songless souls and your cold critical hearts.

9. When I watch lots of movies I get very picky and very critical. I get desperately miserable craving to see something good.
When I don't, I am so charmed by the whole experience that even when it's bad, it's all good.

10. After Stephen King finishes the second draft of a novel he puts it aside and starts the first draft of his next project. When this first draft is completed he goes back and finished the other one. This might be how he keeps up the motivation to finish and to keep moving. I have a pathological fear of completion of just about any major project. Perhaps this is a strategy that I shoudl try to adopt.

11. I have ceramic chopstick rests that are shaped like rabbits. Sooooo precious.


mrs. henry said...

i used to work with a guy from ibiza who was a real spanish romeo type - xavier, we called him xavi (cha-vee). he was only about 5'8" tall. then his parents, who did not speak english, came to visit. he towered over them - his dad must have been like 5'3", in boots. this tempted me and eileen to frequently break into choruses of "hold me closer, tiny spaniards."

ergo said...

*chuckle* Hiya Mrs. H!