white noise

I saw "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy" today. Yes, it is old news to all of you who have moved on to Episode III. the theater was empty on a fine Tuesday afternoon. It was me, My Guy, and G. I have never had this experience before.

Usually just when I think I am going to have a whole theater to myself Some Dude comes in and sits down. And I am required to behave myself. But today I had the luxury of a private screening of a movie I enjoyed in the company of people I dig.
Sad to report, I did behave myself during this film. It was still a pleasure to put up my feet and laugh a lot.

I remember reading the book soooo many years ago and thinking that it was too clever, so smart ass. Bordering on precious which was part of its charm.

This movie made me happy to be alive. The film is gorgeous and silly and just a delight. I love the point of view gun. The moment in which Trillian (sp?) says "It won't work on me, I'm already a woman." Priceless.
I think it was too much for me, this happiness.

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I have spent a lot of time in fight or flight mode. Waiting for bad things that take so long to happen that by the time they arrive I see that they are not only horrible and ugly but also horrible and mundane. Being yanked around by alarming things that I have no control over, by the actions of people I do not understand. Crying for a falling sky that never touches ground. The pessimist, the alarmist, the paranoid, the apocalyptic girl.

Sometimes I forget who is making the choices. I am making choices and by not making choices I am also making choices. I can allow others to speak on my behalf or I can speak for myself. I somehow lose sight of the fact things are not "just happening to me" that I am the actor in the story of my life and I have to take responsibility for what results.

Other times I lose sight of the fact that there are choices that are not mine to make. I have not walked the other's path and I have come by a different way. Hard as it might be, it is not for me to judge and not my call to make.

The distinction between the two should be obvious. Why is it so hard?
And why am I paralyzed so much of the time?

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I am by trade an exaggerator. I deal in hyperbole, it is the language of my family. A big gesture to represent an impression of the thing that I cannot put my finger on in an articulate way. I take a hammer to a grape and try to peel it. In a land where the word is the sword, the word is the weapon of choice and precision is everything. I make a big grapey mess wherever I go. "And they all step away from me on the bench there."