Tuesday, April 10, 2007

on getting what you ask for

The Universe has seen fit to have a laugh at my expense. More than once of late.

I have a lot of trouble making decisions. I find making decisions very stressful, misery inducing, and near impossible. I make decisions when pushed to make them.

I like to think that this is evidence of how extremely Libran I am.

However, when put in situations where I don't make decisions, when that stress, misery, and difficulty is taken from me, I am miserable in an entirely different way.

Happens in relationships. I know that most folks like different things from me and I hate watching them mope and bitch and be miserable. When they do it in my presence, it spoils my pleasure. So I tend to just go with the flow.

But when I am too agreeable for too long and it gets to a point where I don't get to choose, I start to feel crowded. I start to feel like an extra in the movie of my own life. Like I am not the main character of my own story. I get tired of being someone else's audience, someone else's lovely assistant, someone else's little helper.

I start to feel suffocated and I have to get away. I have to duck out and do my own thing for a while. If I don't, I get extremely nasty and difficult. Sometimes, apparently, downright vicious.

It starts to feel like a fight or flight situation. Me against them and for once I want to win or at least break free. I might flip out or at least struggle violently. Sometimes railing at nothing. Pretty passive aggressive, eh?

I think part of my need to spend copious amounts of time alone stems from an inability to exert my will or exercise any powers of persuasion over other people.

Right now, I spend my days in a situation that requires me to not make decisions. All I do all day is ask other people to make decisions. Remind other people to make decisions. One would think that this is ideal for me. Perfectly in keeping with my nature. I am surprised to report that it's pretty far from ideal. It started off okay. But it's starting to grate. A lot. And my response to this has been to do less and do it poorly which really doesn't help.

Crap like this is probably why I am terrible at relationships, a poor candidate for motherhood, and I am scarcely employable. Of course if someone was to ask me to make a decision or tell them what I want, my immediate and initial response would be to say, "I don't know." So clearly I am no help to myself.

Obviously we can't always get what we want. When you do it's important to take a miinute and relish it, who knows when it will happen again. Despite what all will tell you there is an element of chance to things, y'know?

What is a worse tragedy not getting what you want or not wanting anything?

What is a worse tragedy not getting what you want or getting it and finding that it's not what you thought?

Getting it and immediately losing interest and wanting something else?

I guess it's different for everyone. You-today might say something different than you-tomorrow. And of course we know what the Buddhist would say about what's causing your misery.

Maybe that's part of the seduction of materialism/consumerism. You can always get what you want out of life but with enough money you can always buy something you want at the store. And then you can buy another one in a slightly different color.


ldbug said...

Ah decisions, decisions, such is life.

I say, find an end-goal, then the decisions will flow from there.

"Obstacles are those ugly things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."

ergo said...

ldbug: nice. First task - buy galoshes. Second task - identify an end-goal.