Friday, March 09, 2007

Not Angry Anymore

"she taught me how to wage cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed.
to accept, and just get by like my father learned to do,
but without all the acceptance of getting by that got my father through

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore."
Ani DiFranco

My subconscious runs circles around me mocking me out of the corner of my mind.
2005 was a bitterly hard, traumatic and torturous year. I was glad to see it go. But it cast a long shadow and left wounds that were tender and scars slow to heal.

At some point in 2006 I realized that I was incredibly angry and so bitter. I realized that I hated someone. Really for the first time in my life I hated someone in a deep and utterly engrossing way. Any reminder would set me off. And there were any number of reminders that I could not help but run into.

I couldn't bring myself to forgive this person. I could barely stand to lay eyes on this person's friends. I was holding tight to the pain. I could not let go. And I realized that this hurt no one but me. But there it was. I knew that it impeded my life and my growth, even my capacity to love. And I stayed there for months and months. I didn't have anywhere constructive to put it.

And just this week I realized that a weight lifted off of me and somewhere in the midst of moving here and trying to make heads or tails of the working world and this nutty city - I let go. I don't know when it happened. But I had to move here to do it. My heart seems to have healed back crooked. The hinges don't open as widely or as easily as they used to. And I don't think I have entirely moved forward.

But I don't actively wish this person harm anymore which is a positive step. And I think I owe New York a debt of gratitude for that.

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