Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Having fallen, I can't get up

I stepped off the wagon in honor of CK's birthday. I had wine. I had vodka. I had salami, goat cheese, eggs, cupcakes and Cinghiale (wild boar). One would have thought that it was my birthday what with all the celebrating that I was doing. I left the bar when my eyeballs started to swim but I was drunk from the first sip of wine on that fine Saturday afternoon.

The next day, I woke up and wanted grilled cheese and tater tots. Or french fries. Or pork. I got it into my head to have polenta. So I made polenta with heavy cream, butter and cheese, baked an eggplant and fried up a fennel sausage. All hail the animal products.

Now, I am having a hard time taking the POLAOWN seriously. There was too much backsliding. I got a veggie bahn mi sandwich yesterday. But also got BBQ'd pork rolls out of curiosity. Luckily the pork rolls were terrible. They were made with some weird bland crumbly thing and all of the parts of the pig that are neither fatty and/or delicious. So, again, disappointment with the cheating. The Universe tries to prod me in the right direction.

I have two big containers of fatty dairy polenta in the fridge that I feel obligated to eat. The fridge is actually overflowing with leftovers. I should stop cooking until I eat through what I have. Or perhaps I could give it to the pigeons.

Today, I ate out again. I had a veggie burrito from Dos Toros Taqueria. I said yes to the cheese, no to the sour cream and yes to the guacamole. The burrito was bigger than my foot and it was heavenly. I did not miss the sour cream at all. I sat and gobbled the whole thing down and thought about how delicious it was. Way more delicious than anything that I have been making at home.

I worry that the true temptation is the Dos Toros burrito and not the cupcakes and the Cinghiale. I worry I have inhaled a burrito from the tree of knowledge and am now again cast out of the righteous realm of clean eating. Although it now seems doubtful that I was eating all that clean. I think to really eat clean you need to forgo all animal products.

I only made it 25 days before the out and out cheating began. And I cannot take myself seriously anymore. I don't feel like I am in it anymore. JK wants to get together on Sunday and have an eatfest while the rest of the world is watching the Super Bowl. So I ask myself, "Is it over?" If I can hold out until February 3rd, I will have made the month with a three day exception. We will see if I can.

YT asked whether I would extend the POLAOWN for the days that I cheated. I am trying to think back to how many small cheats I had. If I were doing this right I would either start all over again for another 30-40 days in light of my inability to stick with it. Or I could add 5 or 6 more days to the end of this journey.

I was thinking to devote Feb to trying to improve my sleep habits. I'm off to a pretty weak start. Might have to push that one off to a different month. Other possibilities are to either make a concerted effort to follow through on the things that I start or sit down and actually ponder my future, put a little thought the direction that I would like to go as opposed to the floating of my last five years.

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