One laptop dead. I think she's dead. I will take her to the doctor in case there is any more for resurrection.
The other, up until today, had a hamster wheel for a CPU and ran not quite as fast as an abacus. However, on the advice of the MO, I bought RAM and installed it myself. (yay me) Now it runs like hamsters on speed.
It seemed silly that I had two laptops. And now it seems like a stroke of genius.