Ginger flavored sheep's milk yogurt

Sounded like a risky proposition. An expensive one too. But is completely delicious.

Fennel and Fruit

The salad that we did not order at Italian food fest 2012 was a winter salad that had, among other things, fennel and grapefruit. It's what I've been pondering ever since.

I thought that I would put off fun with fennel until later, but couldn't wait. I picked up a fennel bulb on my way home. Along with a grapefruit and a bunch of mint.

Lacking a mandolin, I tried to use a vegetable peeler. I would not recommend this. I eventually switched to a knife trying to slice it as thinly as I could. I got a bit worried. The texture would be less delicate and the fennel itself tasted weird. Very stemmy and only slightly liquorice-like.

Tore up some pieces of mint, threw them at the bottom of a bowl with some grapefruit chunks, topped them with fennel, and repeated that layering two more times. The whole mess was drizzled with balsamic vinegar and grapeseed oil, and topped with parmesan cheese and half an avocado.

The cheese was too much. I shouldn't have be having it anyway.

Balsamic grapefruit was a bit overpowering for the fennel. Maybe a bit less balsamic, a bit less oil, maybe more mint. Better yet, muddle the mint and the grapefruit with a dab of sugar and a bit of basil. Or maybe a different kind of citrus? Add some pine nuts or slivered almonds in place of the cheese, slice and chunk the avocado.

I was worried that it would be too sour, too bland, too much, too weird.

It was sour. Crunchy, sour, sweet, with an occasional bite of avocado to soothe the sour tongue begging for a beautiful piece of crusty bread.

Just what I was looking for.

Re-reversing a reversal - The journey of 10,000 steps

I wrote this post and then took it down to try to tell it in a different way. But then I had a comment from MomVee and it seemed like this thing should go up as was. Plus, I happen to agree with her on the question of spaghetti squash.


The journey of 10,000 steps

JK's doctor told her that the secret to losing weight was to eat right and take 10,000 steps a day. 10,000 steps is about 5 miles.

Rather than our usual plans which are to eat too much and drink a lot, we met up and walked 3+ miles and then ate too much.

We had juice and then walked from Union Square up to 57th street to Bergdorf's and back down to 34th street to Macy's. She was returning shoes. I was purchasing food processor / blender combo.

After which we took the train back downtown and ruined the whole effect by having waaaaay too much Italian food.

It was delightful. But perhaps I should develop some mechanisms by which to exercise some portion control.

There was much to praise and critique about the meal.

I have been thinking about anchovies a lot. The toasted garlic bread with anchovies was a sin. It was salty, garlicy, toasty, oily and mushy all at once. Very nice with a glass of red.

The lasagna was a big cheesy mushy meaty mess. Not an unpleasant one, but I prefer my lasagna to have a lot of substantial noodle in it. And I missed it. Fortunately, the pappardelle was quite satisfying on the pasta front, although the meat in the ragu was tough and chewy.

Funny enough, I really enjoyed the vegetables. The string beans in garlic and olive oil were sweet and just the right balance between crunchy and soft. To start off this adventure we had shaved fennel with olive oil, balsamic vinegar and lots of parmesan cheese.

And even funnier enough, after all that glorious food, I am thinking about the fennel. Two years ago, I signed up to be part of a CSA. I got too much of a lot of vegetables that I did not know what to do with. Fennel was among them. The worst were Mizuna and kolrabi. Kolrabi was an utter mystery to me.

Thinly shaved fennel with balsamic vinegar was a delicate and fresh combo.

I might spend some time playing around with shaved fennel. Maybe recreate the salad or use it in a sandwich with a little tuna salad or a little bit of chicken.

Comment from MomVee
Mizuna tastes like dirt. I really resent humankind for deciding that it and spaghetti squash are edible.

But kohlrabi is delicious in matchsticks and made into a salad or slaw, or roasted. If you're into that cabbagey kind of taste, which I am.

Food jail: the red light green light remix

The problem with food jail is that the inmate and the jailer are the same person.

I am pretty lousy at this. I used up all my willpower last month.

I've decided to try to add exercise to this three months. It might help. I took my very first Zumba class on Saturday. Damn near killed me.

Food Jail.

But I might try it again.

Food Jail.

I made a tofu scramble. This time, I added rosemary and celery. Rosemary to make it more awesome and celery for a little bit of crunch. Since it didn't have to be vegan or even vegetarian anymore, I added dashi. That Friends, was a game changer. Salt, msg, umami, fishy. So good. Totally not vegetarian. I will try vegetarian vegetable boullion and/or some sea kelp.

Much Less Like Food Jail.

The Fella is in a children's play about vegetables. I went on opening night and afterwards I had a spinach and cheese empanada.

Not Food Jail.

This game will go so and so and so on for the next three months at least.

My musical fantasy life pt. 1

I saw Steven Colbert do a duet with James Taylor and was jealous beyond belief. If I could sing with anyone who is famous, James Taylor is at the top of that list. I realize that I would probably be unable to sing. I would be crying too hard because I would be so completely overcome by being in his presence.

Lyle Lovett, I think would also be a real pleasure to sing with. And I think maybe I could keep my shit together long enough to get through a song or two.

I am sure there are others that I could add to this list - the Eagles, the Indigo Girls, Kansas but topping the list are James and Lyle.

Food Jail

I have been looking forward to the part where I stop eating healthy and go back to my usual nonsense.

Last week I went to the Dr for a routine physical exam. They drew blood. I peed in a cup, all that good stuff. I told him about the healthnut thing but that I would go off of it at the end of the month.

Today I got a voicemail from the Dr's office. I have elevated triglycerides, high LDL's and low HDL's and a severe vitamin D deficiency. That is what I get from my month of trying to be a healthnut.

Further to that I am to take vitamin D3 supplements. My vitamin D levels are way way low. They said that at first they thought my blood glucose levels were elevated but then said something about running the test again and they were normal. To me this suggests that the test should be run a third time.

I am to take fish oil pills and vitamin D3, follow a strict low cholesterol diet and come back for tests again in three months.

As a reward for my dietary struggles this last month, I have been sentenced to food jail.

In response to this I came home and decided to run in the opposite direction. I made meatless spaghetti carbonara and had a bowl of it with half a bundle of steamed asparagus.

Yep. I got the recipe wrong because I cannot fry an egg proper. The idea was from a book I recently read. You boil pasta, fry two eggs, drain the pasta, put the eggs on top, add grated cheese, black pepper, a little of the pasta water and toss.

Except that I used whole wheat pasta, overfried the eggs and added too much pasta water. Whole wheat pasta has the wrong texture and the wrong consistency. It doesn't hang on to a sauce the right way. It sticks but it is not a harmonious meld. You can taste the struggle, sauce vs. noodle. Whole wheat pasta is not pasta. I don't think it actually qualifies as edible. I could have thrown the mess away but no. Instead I cracked a raw egg on top of it all and tried to toss it in.

The pasta was no longer hot enough to cook the new egg. So then I turned up the heat and tried to cook the eggy, cheesey water onto the pasta. Which kinda worked. Almost. I ate it anyway. If I never post here again you will know that I died of salmonella poisoning. And yes, my friend Rosemary came to the three egg pasta party. After a little time in a pan of hot olive oil she got feisty. In a good way - someone had to stand up to all that eggness.

I don't actually even know what a low cholesterol diet is. I envision steamed fish and steamed vegetables and brown rice with no salt or flavor FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Food jail. At least for the next three months. Possibly forever. And dreams about cookies. Perhaps I will start believing in God in the hopes that if I am good I will go to a heaven filled with cookies, pie and ice cream. I have always been more of a salt person but if I am to live out my days in food jail, send me to cookie heaven when I die.

I take comfort in one thing. Sardines are rich in vitamin D and omega-3 fatty acids. In my youth I was very fond of sardines and now I intend to revisit my fishy friend.

When not on the wagon

Last night with the best of intentions I met up with CK for a drink. But then I had a red wine flight with cheese pairings. Roquefort cheese, by the way, with a hefty Shiraz is a gift from the Gods. Camembert, however, when paired with a Cabernet Sauvignon /Cabernet Franc blend will taste like dirty feet, very unpleasant.

Going from strength to strength we wandered across the street to our usual watering hole. There was more wine and almond stuffed chocolate covered figs. Perhaps someday I will try to do this at home but with a dark almost bitter chocolate sauce instead of the chocolate shell.

From there we went next door with a new friend to say hello to another friend. While there the cute bartender mixed us a parting shot. Which I should have refused. But I did not.

I did not pace myself, I forgot to eat dinner.

This could happen on any night of reckless drinking. I somehow managed to get home. I expelled my demons, I passed out. I woke up at 5am. There wasn't much to eat in the house so I had two glasses of water and a pear.

Usually when I wake from that kind of a night I want fried foods. I want eggs and bacon with hashbrowns. I want a burger with fries and a milkshake. I want fried chicken with mashed potatoes and buttery biscuits. But this morning I wanted avocado and mozzarella with lettuce and tomato on whole wheat. I didn't want mayo, or salad dressing or mustard. I wanted it dry. Just the AMLT.

It was revelatory. With each bite I wanted wave my sandwich at my co-workers and say, "My God. This is just so amazing. Have a bite. Go ahead!"

Microsoft does not understand me

Microsoft products restart your computer when they want. I went to pee and brush my teeth and on my return discovered that Windows 7 decided to restart the computer. Without asking me if I wanted to save the files that I was working on. I will never use Notepad again. Never.

Having fallen, I can't get up

I stepped off the wagon in honor of CK's birthday. I had wine. I had vodka. I had salami, goat cheese, eggs, cupcakes and Cinghiale (wild boar). One would have thought that it was my birthday what with all the celebrating that I was doing. I left the bar when my eyeballs started to swim but I was drunk from the first sip of wine on that fine Saturday afternoon.

The next day, I woke up and wanted grilled cheese and tater tots. Or french fries. Or pork. I got it into my head to have polenta. So I made polenta with heavy cream, butter and cheese, baked an eggplant and fried up a fennel sausage. All hail the animal products.

Now, I am having a hard time taking the POLAOWN seriously. There was too much backsliding. I got a veggie bahn mi sandwich yesterday. But also got BBQ'd pork rolls out of curiosity. Luckily the pork rolls were terrible. They were made with some weird bland crumbly thing and all of the parts of the pig that are neither fatty and/or delicious. So, again, disappointment with the cheating. The Universe tries to prod me in the right direction.

I have two big containers of fatty dairy polenta in the fridge that I feel obligated to eat. The fridge is actually overflowing with leftovers. I should stop cooking until I eat through what I have. Or perhaps I could give it to the pigeons.

Today, I ate out again. I had a veggie burrito from Dos Toros Taqueria. I said yes to the cheese, no to the sour cream and yes to the guacamole. The burrito was bigger than my foot and it was heavenly. I did not miss the sour cream at all. I sat and gobbled the whole thing down and thought about how delicious it was. Way more delicious than anything that I have been making at home.

I worry that the true temptation is the Dos Toros burrito and not the cupcakes and the Cinghiale. I worry I have inhaled a burrito from the tree of knowledge and am now again cast out of the righteous realm of clean eating. Although it now seems doubtful that I was eating all that clean. I think to really eat clean you need to forgo all animal products.

I only made it 25 days before the out and out cheating began. And I cannot take myself seriously anymore. I don't feel like I am in it anymore. JK wants to get together on Sunday and have an eatfest while the rest of the world is watching the Super Bowl. So I ask myself, "Is it over?" If I can hold out until February 3rd, I will have made the month with a three day exception. We will see if I can.

YT asked whether I would extend the POLAOWN for the days that I cheated. I am trying to think back to how many small cheats I had. If I were doing this right I would either start all over again for another 30-40 days in light of my inability to stick with it. Or I could add 5 or 6 more days to the end of this journey.

I was thinking to devote Feb to trying to improve my sleep habits. I'm off to a pretty weak start. Might have to push that one off to a different month. Other possibilities are to either make a concerted effort to follow through on the things that I start or sit down and actually ponder my future, put a little thought the direction that I would like to go as opposed to the floating of my last five years.

A Match Game

Today, I introduced two people to each other over email.

I never do this. I am too much of a hermit. I am a dead end friend in the world of networking and connectivity.

I like them both a lot. They are each very enjoyable to be around. Smart, outgoing, lively, funny, good-looking. They strike me as being heartfull and loveable people. One is a friend of mine, the other is a dear friend of another friend of mine. Different social circles.

Now that I have done this, it occurs to me that the best case scenario is that they like each other. It also occurs to me that the worst case scenario is not that they dislike/hate each other. Or that they don't click. Those would be disappointing but valuable to each in refining their ideas on what they want from a mate.

No. The worst case scenarios run along the lines of a compelling but unhealthy dynamic or chemistry in which they torture each other but cannot break free of each other.

I also realize that if they actually meet in person and things progress from there, it's anyone's guess as to what happens. So many factors at play. The heart is so volatile. I have my fingers crossed and my eyes closed.

Memories spoiled by neurotics

Over the weekend I had this uneventful, goofy, fun evening with the Fella. Later, on further reflection, I wondered whether there would be other nights like that. They couldn't all be like that. They haven't all been like that. I don't know where it came from.

Would there be others? How many? I tried to project into the future, to extrapolate - to imagine. If we were together for eons at some point would we stop having funny goofy nights like that?

It is highly uncharacteristic for me to try to project into the future about anything, much less a relationship with a man.

It is typical of me to ruminate over a happy memory while feeling a sense of loss and a touch of sadness because that moment is over and there is an uncertainty about to whether there will be other moments in my life like it.

It's the "some is good, more is better" fallacy.

Would that I could separate my ability to count from my ability to experience and remember joy.

In this situation, AT would tell me that as important as it is to have it, it is also important to make sure that you do not spoil your own pleasure.

Much like what happens when you go from joy at hearing that someone loves you to agony trying to figure out how much they love you. Some things are better in binary.

Don't let me eat cake, put me to sleep

I had cake. The office threw a little party. I was not going to go. But then changed my mind and went. I walked through the door, tossed the POLAOWN to the wind and made a beeline for the cake. I was on party auto-pilot and I cannot remember if it (the cake) was any good. I was a cake-eating robot vaccuum. I hoovered that plate clean in about 5 minute, hampered only by a minimal effort to make conversation with co-workers.

I have cheated this month. There have been small and large cheats. But with the exception of a slice of pizza and a half cooked baked potato loaded with sour cream and cheese, the really big cheats have not been all that enjoyable. Disappointing, even. They were cheats of convenience or politeness not sinful foodie-foodie pleasure cheats. There has been no Frito Pie. There has been no pilgrimage to Buttermilk Channel.

The full implications of eating cake did not dawn on me until I got back to my desk. It was so easy. *shame* I had chest pains. I do not know if they were due to guilt or my body reacting adversely to the food. *SHAME* It's possible that I am dying.

People have been asking me what I will do once the POLAOWN is over. ML is hoping that I stick to it and go even further. Get really clean and stay clean. I probably should aim to eat healthier and allow myself to cheat on the weekends or a certain number of meals a week. I'll cross that bridge when this comes to a close.

I have enjoyed making messes in the kitchen. I have been thinking a lot about braised meat and pasta. I've been thinking about baked pasta dishes: Ziti, lasagna, stuffed shells. I have thought a lot about the food but not about the wine. Except in the context of realizing that I have not had a social life for fear that I would be a wine swilling robot-vacuum. Braised short ribs, with a first course of ravioli and a nice bottle of red. This, I think is in my future, and I think I know just the place to have this.

I was feeling pretty decent overall. Some days ridiculously so. I would even wake up and consider exercising. A few mornings I did in fact do some sun salutations and sit ups. Tell no one!

But then I had a cup of green tea late in the evening and stayed up until 4am last Thursday. Gah! My sleep schedule has been off ever since. Not able to fall asleep and not able to stay asleep. It has had an enormous not positive effect on my days, my cognition and my mood. It might be that the challenge for next month will be to create a rigorous sleep regimen and try to get 7-8 hrs of sleep a night. Perhaps modifying my routine will reap great rewards. There is apparently more to life than food. There is also sleep.

A Saturday Oven-side

As a post script to the tofu scrambles - I baked up an acorn squash and put the tofu scramble in the hollow along with some balsamic vinegar, olive oil, pinenuts and rosemary. Rosemary did indeed prove herself to be quite welcome to the party. In fact, I suspect that Rosemary, pine nuts and olive oil would have done just fine even without the scramble. Although the stuffing of food into food is always cool.

I daydream about baking another acorn squash with a cornbread stuffing and perhaps with a tiny bit of chicken sausage crumbled in. This would be an experiment for post-POLAOWN. But I suppose the cornbread part could happen now.

I also tried to bake some potatoes with the thought of topping them with some veggie chili and going all mad with the dairy: sour cream, cheese, and butter. Clearly I have given up on giving up dairy. That being said, I have been eating much less cheese than usual. Baking a potato sounds simple. Prick the skin, wrap in foil, baked until cooked. Unless you are hungry and antsy and insist on opening the open every 5 minutes to check the progress of your potatoes. In that case, it is very hard. The Fella preached patience. I only half listened.

Acorn squash does not mind if you open the oven to take a look. It will proceed calmly and steadily on its baking way. The potato, on the other hand, takes this as an affront to its ability to handle heat and will stubbornly hang on it's raw crunch in protest.

The Fella warned me that semi-baked potatoes smothered in dairy and chili would be plenty of food and that the acorn squash would be too much. He was right. Having that much bulky and filling baked vegetation at one meal induced extreme drowsiness.

After spending the better part of the day in a woozy cotton-y haze, I decided to tackle the bread baking yet again. This time with the guidance of the Fresh Loaf. I ran out of flour two cups into measuring out for the dough. So with my yeast bubbling in water that was 103 degrees (according to the thermometer), I threw on boots and a coat and ran to the grocery. I got bread flour this time to see if it would make a difference.

I had 2 cups of all-purpose and one cup of bread flour. And while kneading, I added bread flour where more flour was needed. Let me tell you, bread flour is a different animal. It's grittier than all-purpose. And for the first time, I had a ball of dough that put up a fight while kneading. People warn you that kneading dough is hard work. In my previous two attempts at bread making, I never understood this. The dough was never that tough to work with and was usually pretty pliable. But with the addition of even just one cup of bread flour I was working up a sweat.

I kneaded the crap out of the dough. Well over the recommended 10 minutes. The Fella witnessed my hysterical (as in not funny) predictions of doom with regard to the bread. When I opened the oven to look at it, things did not look good. It looked like a big pale rock with a thick incredibly hard crust. I do not know what professional bakers do to get that gorgeous browned crust. It will probably take some research to find out. So with much cursing and whingeing, I decided to try a cheat - melted a few pats of butter on the top and threw it back in the oven for a spell. Which probably did nothing but let me feel as if I had at least tried to do something about the situation.

The results were not up to my bread baking fantasies but definitely not as bad as I had feared.



It weighs a ton. It's a fairly flat loaf. The crust is impossibly hard. And on the inside, the crumb is dense but at least has more of a bread consistency and is less biscuit-like. Progress!!! Next time I will try using all bread flour and trying to be more patient with the rises. And I will start the process before 5pm so that the bread is ready before 11pm.

(Jargon for the day: BE told me that the outside of the bread is the crust and the inside is the crumb.)

Besides the uncertain and hysterical cooking, it was an evening warmed by the oven, frantic kneading, hugs of anticipation, and spontaneous dance to songs sprung from the radio in my subconscious. I've done a lot worse on a Saturday night.

Tofu Scramble

It sounds like a dance move. Or a vegetarian themed video game. But it's tofu broken into bits and fried up with stuff. A veg alternative to scrambled eggs, although now having made it for the first time it occurs to me that a lot can be done with a tofu scramble beyond breakfast food.

FS and SM both make really delicious tofu scrambles. I have not watched them make it and cannot replicate it. To try making my own I decided to go to the Post Punk Kitchen for their take on it. I have made a few of the recipes from the old version of the site and been pretty happy with them. To the point where I firmly believe that every bean chili recipe needs to include a sweet potato or two. Cause beans and sweet potatoes are a beautiful match.

The recipe calls for Nutritional Yeast. I have heard a bit about Nutritional Yeast from BE when he was a vegan but have never tried using it myself. It's apparently used for nutrition and for flavor - to impart umami to a dish. They don't carry Nutritional Yeast at the local CVS nor at the regular grocery store near me. I went to the local health food grocer and got a very large tin of it for use in the tofu scramble. If you'd like to try some, give me a call, I've got plenty.

Sometimes I read the recipes that I am following wrong or neglect to copy all necessary information from the recipe to the back of the envelope that I will use in at the counter top. I cooked the minced garlic on low heat in a ton of olive oil for 10 mins. Much longer than recommended. Then added the tofu crumbled up. I cooked on a medium low heat so I did not get anything browned or any crispiness. I will try much higher heat next time. I think it would add to a nice variation of texture and the flavor of browning.

The water and spice combo is a good idea as it helps incorporate the spices better into the tofu. It's possible that you can stop at this point without the nutritional yeast. Maybe explore adding more vegetables with or before the tofu, altering the spice blend.

It might be good to add a bit more water at the point where you are adding the spices and the yeast, 1/4 cup of nutritional yeast flakes is a lot of dry to be adding to a skillet of tofu. It got a good yellow color and sort of a substantial and less watery flavor. I added more salt, of course, but felt that there was still something missing.

So I added a healthy pour balsamic vinegar to my serving of the scramble. Which ended up being what my palate was seeking. It made the scrambles taste brighter and cleaned up the finish on what was a slightly funky aftertaste. However, at that point it ceased to be scrambled egg like.

And now I have leftovers for sandwiches! Or perhaps stuffing for baked acorn squash halves (with extra balsamic vinegar).

I think next time I will add some celery or other vegetables to the endeavor. Mushrooms and what not to add some variety to the texture. I think that my new friend Rosemary could add something very pleasant and fragrant to the party.

Introductions and adjustments

I was introduced to a place called Eataly today. LV put together a farewell outing there. Sadly, folks just convened to have some beer. There was not eating at Eataly today. I am definitely going back. But it looks to be the Disney World of Italian food. I am not sure if it will live up to its looks but I am certainly headed there in February to find out.

LV calls me her Foodie friend. I am not comfortable with this tag. Because I am not much of a cook and I am not a gourmand with a scintillating palate. The preferences of my palate are pretty crude. I think that almost everything needs salt, garlic salt, oyster sauce or Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning.

But I do love to eat and I have lots of opinions about things that I don't know much about. Does that count for anything?

Last week I formed an opinion about curry powder. The opinion that the generic grocery story brand of curry powder that I have smells and looks like curry but is missing a note that I associate with curry. What I wanted with my curry was fennel. A slightly sweet, licorice-y hint and aroma. That is what I expected from my Potato and Cauliflower curry that was lacking. So I have been taking the leftovers and adding, fennel, fenugreek, ground ginger, cinnamon and cayenne pepper. I haven't gotten the ratios right. Of course, I could also just toss the bargain curry powder and get a new one. But where is the fun in that.

On the internet they exclaim that the way to do it is to grind your own spices for a curry. This seems like an advanced thing to me. I'd need to get a grinder or at least a mortar and pestle. I like the idea of a mortar and pestle it sounds mystical like Merlin grinding herbs and extracts for potions. This is a subject for future meditation.

This week I have been eating Marcona almonds seasoned with olive oil, sea salt and rosemary. Rosemary has now achieved favored herb status and now I need to seek any and every food context that invites Rosemary to the party.

I am still resistant to Marjoram, though. She and I will meet in the school yard in another song.

Long-Ass POLAOWN update

Booze - To date the sum of the alcohol that I have consumed is a sip of MLQ's cocktail at Sacred Chow. It was a delicious and unexpected combination of flavors that made me sad to not be drinking this month.

Bars - Twice I have been to a bar. I did not drink in either case. I did, however, leave early in both cases. I got sleepy.

Hiding things - I had to put the Hoppin' John, the Collards, and the Casserole in the freezer to keep myself from eating them. I also hid the potato chips, the Bugles, and other fatty and sugary snacks in a metal tin. I might have to throw that tin into the freezer. I might have to buy a larger freezer.

Meat - I have had one bite of Salmon. Besides this, no meat has been consumed yet. I think about chicken, grilled, fried, in salad, in sandwiches, baked. And tuna. I think about tuna sandwiches with lots of mayo. I miss the texture. The chewy denseness of eating something that has been eating all that plant matter, converting and accumulating it on your behalf.

Bahn Mi - I had a vegetarian Bahn Mi. It was on white bread. What can you do. The first half of it startled me by tasting like pork. It had that chewy, dense texture. The second half of it, eaten much later, tasted like Seitan. I wonder if this means that in a short span of time I will be insisting that a bagel with scallion tofu spread tastes just like a Big Mac. I might try the bagel thing tomorrow just to see what happens.

White bread - White bread was supposed to be on my do not eat list. But I am revisiting this because white bread is amazing. AMAZING. Like a food miracle.

Pasta - I had squash ravioli because the Fella offered to cook for me and it was a choice between that and mac and cheese. It tasted strange, like candy pasta with herbs and olive oil. The squash filling was super sweet.

Sugar - Sugar is ubiquitous. I had some ginger ale. I put sugar in things that I was cooking. It's probably in the yogurt, the jam, the sauces, the dressings, the juices, the bread, and everything industrially processed that I have eaten this month. I think about cookies a lot. I walked by a place that smelled like cake. Heavenly. I stood on the sidewalk out front just steeping in cake smells.

Carbs in General - I remembered that eating carbs is delicious and filling. And so I have embraced whole wheat bread, Wasa Wheat Crisps and potatoes. The potatoes in particular have balanced out with the other stuff to make me feel less bloaty and squishy. More substantial.

I took a second try at baking bread. In honor of POLAOWN, I tried to bake a whole wheat loaf. It ended up being this enormous yeasty biscuit. It tastes terrible but I keep eating it. The Fella had a slice and said that it reminded him of the bread that they put MRE's from his days in the Marine Corp. I have had this. It like eating a pop-tart, without the frosting, the sweet filling that is soft, bland, and less crumbly. I think he was trying to be supportive. I am going to try to bake more bread this weekend.

Juices - on the recommendation of my cube-mate, I have had a few juice bar drinks. Juice bar juices are not like Naked Juice. Nor are they like the bottled offerings of Welch's or Tropicana. They can be pretty bland. Which puts the whole concept of concentrated juice in an entirely different light. For years, I have regarded juice concentrate as inferior and adulterated. Now I realize that it takes a lot of apples, concentrated into a small volume, to capture the vivid apple flavor in bottled apple juice. It probably helps to know the full range of your options, perhaps pick something from the juice menu. A random fruits and vegetables tossed into a juicer will not guarantee deliciousness. My first juice was had berries and nice things but was ruined by the addition of carrots and watermelon. Despite being watery, watermelon ends up having a very strong taste that will assert itself in a not enjoyable way. The second one was beets, carrots, lemon, celery, orange, ginger and kale - not much better. The third time, I got a smoothie. It had banana, strawberries, and pineapple, crushed ice, and Tropicana orange juice. That one was delicious. I attribute this to the industrial OJ. The Cube-mate has since offered to send me juice and smoothie recipes.

Healthnut restaurants - The Fella and I went to this macrobiotic place and had the blandest food ever. His was actually kinda nice but mine was exceptionally bland. And this was not the sort of place to have a salt shaker at the table. During the course of the meal I started hallucinate that the carrots and onions were actually delicious and everything else was bland "It's a shame about the rest of this meal, the onions and carrots are so flavorful flavor, and suggest potential." The Fella had wisely pre-gamed by snacking on fried chicken at Popeye's. While I was not bowled over by the food, it did seem to put me in a slightly euphoric and goofy mood. It might have been my relief at not having to eat my own cooking.

In my second adventure I went to Sacred Chow with MLQ. And the food was pretty good. I had half a Tempeh Reuben and a bowl of New England Cauliflower Chowder. Both pretty good. Although it wreaked havoc on my system. The waiter told us a little bit about the dangers of gluten for those who are sensitive. I wonder if I am one of them. That or it might have been the cauliflower.

Brown Rice - Brown rice was supposed to be my carb for the month. But I am not having much luck with making it. The recent batch came out like a big pot of paste. It was like oatmeal! At the macrobiotic place the brown rice was very enjoyable and I think short grain. I might try the short grain stuff to see if I like the texture a little better.

I am trying to sprout brown rice. I have had this long-grain brown rice for several years and am amazed that it would sprout at all. Seeds are a wonder. It's sitting in the fridge waiting for me to cook it. Back to my brown rice mental block. Perhaps by the end of the month, I will get the knack of this brown rice thing.

Had I embarked on a set diet or eating strategy, instead of this aimless parade of ad hoc moderation/deprivation I would be putting less mental energy into it.

Mental space that could be devoted to reading, writing, a job search, music, yoga, cleaning, exercise, organizing, improving my sleep habits, well the list goes on and on. I like that the list goes on from things that I actually would do all the way to things that I will probably never do, despite my best intentions.

But no, all I think about is food. With any edible thing that I see, I ask myself, "Do I want to eat this? Should I eat it?"

I am not sure what I am getting out of this besides a thing to focus on besides the quiet desperation of living. I suppose it is also a month-long exercise in mental recasting. Food has been my happiness, my solace, my comfort, my entertainment, my stress reliever. And now food is a question for constant meditation. To eat or not. And to eat what?

For now, I consider that to be plenty.