Thursday, February 02, 2012

Food Jail

I have been looking forward to the part where I stop eating healthy and go back to my usual nonsense.

Last week I went to the Dr for a routine physical exam. They drew blood. I peed in a cup, all that good stuff. I told him about the healthnut thing but that I would go off of it at the end of the month.

Today I got a voicemail from the Dr's office. I have elevated triglycerides, high LDL's and low HDL's and a severe vitamin D deficiency. That is what I get from my month of trying to be a healthnut.

Further to that I am to take vitamin D3 supplements. My vitamin D levels are way way low. They said that at first they thought my blood glucose levels were elevated but then said something about running the test again and they were normal. To me this suggests that the test should be run a third time.

I am to take fish oil pills and vitamin D3, follow a strict low cholesterol diet and come back for tests again in three months.

As a reward for my dietary struggles this last month, I have been sentenced to food jail.

In response to this I came home and decided to run in the opposite direction. I made meatless spaghetti carbonara and had a bowl of it with half a bundle of steamed asparagus.

Yep. I got the recipe wrong because I cannot fry an egg proper. The idea was from a book I recently read. You boil pasta, fry two eggs, drain the pasta, put the eggs on top, add grated cheese, black pepper, a little of the pasta water and toss.

Except that I used whole wheat pasta, overfried the eggs and added too much pasta water. Whole wheat pasta has the wrong texture and the wrong consistency. It doesn't hang on to a sauce the right way. It sticks but it is not a harmonious meld. You can taste the struggle, sauce vs. noodle. Whole wheat pasta is not pasta. I don't think it actually qualifies as edible. I could have thrown the mess away but no. Instead I cracked a raw egg on top of it all and tried to toss it in.

The pasta was no longer hot enough to cook the new egg. So then I turned up the heat and tried to cook the eggy, cheesey water onto the pasta. Which kinda worked. Almost. I ate it anyway. If I never post here again you will know that I died of salmonella poisoning. And yes, my friend Rosemary came to the three egg pasta party. After a little time in a pan of hot olive oil she got feisty. In a good way - someone had to stand up to all that eggness.

I don't actually even know what a low cholesterol diet is. I envision steamed fish and steamed vegetables and brown rice with no salt or flavor FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Food jail. At least for the next three months. Possibly forever. And dreams about cookies. Perhaps I will start believing in God in the hopes that if I am good I will go to a heaven filled with cookies, pie and ice cream. I have always been more of a salt person but if I am to live out my days in food jail, send me to cookie heaven when I die.

I take comfort in one thing. Sardines are rich in vitamin D and omega-3 fatty acids. In my youth I was very fond of sardines and now I intend to revisit my fishy friend.

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