No thanks, maybe next week
I was walking down the street thinking about my state of singleness. Recently I was sitting in a tavern called The Subway with The South, NDles, and TBW having beers in a booth in the back. NDles was talking about how back home in Toronto most of her friends were married. And TBW and The South agreed that this was the case for them as well. It's also the case for me.
She was talking about how it was a relief to be in a place where she didn't feel this crushing pressure to be married. And the South and TBW agreed with her on this point as well. With that a puzzle piece fell into place for me too.
It must be part of why I feel comfortable here. And then I started to wonder if it would make be feel too comfortable until it was too late for me and I would spend my whole life alone.
Certainly there are things that I miss. Snuggling, good company, playing house, that dizzy dancing feeling where you can't stop smiling, etc...
On the flip side - in the past when I have dated someone there's always something to cry about. And in this time that I've been single, there's have been almost no occasion to cry. A sad story or movie. A moving tale of suffering or generosity. But that's my reaction to others. In my own life there's been nothing. Nothing, really, to cry about for the past 8 or 9 months.
And it's so nice to not feel miserable or insecure or epic-ly operatically unhappy in relation to another person. There's a definite lack of nausea in my life right now.
It's also nice to do my own thing without the negotiations that come with being with another person. Negotiations that I inevitably lose. Because he (whoever he is at whatever age he's at) is way more set in his ways and inflexible than I am. It's nice to not expend excessive amounts of time in trying to understand and make myself be understood by that one person. To not expend all of that effort into trying to make someone happy into trying to figure how to translate love, into actions, reactions, gestures, or words that the other person will recognize, believe, and accept as love.
And I don't know whether this means that I have been in really unhealthy relationships or I don't go about this love thing in the right way or I have become cowardly or excessively gunshy.
Don't get me wrong, I miss what's great about being with someone. It would be fantaberiffic to get struck by lightning for the nth time. I just don't want to be made (or make myself) miserable right now. Not in the mood.