Thursday, May 26, 2005

life choices and the worry wheel

I am the type to pick at a scab. And on an overcast day what else is there to do?

The Ex can be a threatening presence in your relationship.
There is a scene in Hi Fidelity where John Cusack's character imagines his ex having the best sex on the planet with ponytail guy. Who knows if it is actually true. It is a trick that the mind plays on you. I imagine that she had this really great relationship that was so fabulous and so much better than what I have and what she had is what I want.

The first reality check: Relationships do not work by the conservation of energy. Individual chemistry makes each one different. So her loss and my gain are not equivalent.

The second reality check: they are not together anymore. Which is an indication that maybe things weren't so great.

The third reality check: the end has been frightfully contentious and destructive another indication that maybe things were not so great or on an irreparable decline.

What happens when
You like what you have but you know you can't keep it.
You know what you want but you know you can't have it.
You like what you have but you want more.
You try to remake what you have into what you want.
You try to change your thinking to be happy with what you have and put what you want out of mind.
There are any number of variations on this theme. Many of which are playing out in episodes of Felicity.
Y'know. It is intrinsic to being human. Unless you are the Buddah.

The movies have taught me to want what does not exist. Kathleen Hannah would add that this spurs me on to spend money on products to fill that void, that longing.

I have dated a long series of people who leave town. Which on the surface is odd for a distrustful person with abandonment issues. Committment-phobes are funny that way.

It always starts off very promising: talking, flirting, a little lift to the day, something to make me smile. And I think, "Hey this is great. Sex dinner and a movie. I can totally hack this." I imagine myself to be a bachelor girl, a midwestern Holly Golightly. Love them and leave them with the check.

But I am not so cavalier. Then comes the emotional connection and the hand holding and the snuggling and sharing a bed with another person, the smallest quirks and details that imprint themselves on my life and become a part of the rhythm of my day to day and the forming of attachments. Which then pack up and leave for Canada, or Colorado, or Boston, or San Franscisco.

On the up side, it does provide fodder for songwriting and journaling.

I have heard it said that when Pablo Picasso got into a creative slump he snapped out of it by getting a new house and a new woman. I wonder which one lead to La Guernica.

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