Friday, April 29, 2005

amassed frustrations

As I just observed to my friend JD. I didn't have my cheerios this morning. I had grumpios.

My drinking buddies and many of the people I love and know, with whom I have history have all left town. What social life I have left consists of various cliques of people who are progressive, radical, activist, and lead alternative lifestyles.

I am considering becoming a hermit.

I have often felt alienated hanging out with people. Because I was too PC and too liberal. I don't like sexist or homophobic comments and I don't like racist jokes. I don't like people who don't exhibit compassion and/or empathy for others.

Now I feel alienated hanging out with people who are radicals and activists. Because I do not live as mindfully as they do. I cannot reach the heights of mindfulness and moral goodness that they do. Nor can I exhibit the levels of righteousness. I am not a real live suffering minority. I am not queer. I am not a survivor. I am not a victim. I have not been oppressed. Which makes me incredibly lucky. But in the progressive community it makes me the subject of considerable reproach, an illegitimate participant.

I am not a progressive, or a radical. I am a liberal. It is a great tradition and I am not willing to abandon it because a bunch of nasty, mean-spirited, narrow-minded, duplicitous republicans have misrepresented and abused it.

I am a feminist. A person who believes that everyone should have the opportunity to reach their fullest potential regardless of gender. With the awareness of how social constructs of gender have caged and stunted people. With the understanding that respecting and accepting the personal choices of others be they alternative, radical, or traditional is part of the process of reaching your potential.

I like eating animals. Cow and pig are delicious. If we were to switch positions I know they would eat me.

I like the new clothes they sell at stores that is made by child labor or for pitifully low wages in foreign lands. But I am making a major effort to not buy them. It kills me to not to shop at Wal-Mart because they are bad to their employees. Somedays I look at my ever declining bank balance and want to walk in and buy new jeans made by slave labor for $5.

I love my car. I like to drive and burn fossil fuels.

I do not listen to the music of the revolution. It doesn't grab me.

I don't have a piercing and I don't have any tatoos. Surely it is possible to be an interesting person and have a personality without either.

I am not punk.

I am not hip hop.

I am not hipster.

I am not cool.

If you don't believe in animal testing don't take medicine and stop going to the doctor. Ignore all dietary and health recommendations of what is good and bad for you. Don't take your children or grandparents to the doctor because where do you think those treatments came from, the tooth fairy?

I buy CD's because while it is true that the band gets, maybe a dollar from every CD sold. If I download it from the internet they aren't getting a damn thing.

I play by the rules and I am respectful of authority because I am not white and I am not rich. I have no doubt that the Powers that be would have no problem with beating me, taking my freedom and destroying my life if given the opportunity. Something that I suspect happens less to white people.

This feeling of being on the outside. This feeling of alienation. I am tired of it. I am tired of feeling morally inferior because I am not doing the right thing with every breath I take.

I am neither fish nor fowl.

I am going to get more grumpios now.

2 Comments:

At 7:52 PM, May 04, 2005, Blogger BeckyBumbleFuck said...

re: pig and cow eating....I like how you admit to being delicious. :)

 
At 7:54 PM, May 04, 2005, Blogger BeckyBumbleFuck said...

And of course the grumpios part too. I feel slathered in cuteness.

 

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